STEEL PANTHER – LIVE FROM LEXXI’S MOMS GARAGE (2016)
Release Date: 26th February 2016
℗ 2016 Kobalt Music
- Show Intro/Say Yeah! (Live Acoustic)
- Party Like Tomorrow Is The End Of The World (Live Acoustic)
- Fat Girl (Thar She Blows) (Live Acoustic)
- If You Really, Really Love Me (Live Acoustic)
- Gloryhole (Live Acoustic)
- Bukkake Tears (Live Acoustic)
- The Burden of Being Wonderful (Live Acoustic)
- Weenie Ride (Live Acoustic)
- That’s When You Came In (Live Acoustic)
- Michael Don’t Know (Live Acoustic)
- Community Property (Live Acoustic)
- Grindy and Sexy (Live Acoustic)
- Death To All But Metal (Live Acoustic)
Ahh yes. The latest Steel Panther release arrives, and just as welcome as an Asian hooker pounding upon you door, begging for a chance to pound upon your… well…you get the idea. The scene is set for us in less time that Satchel can remove the ladies underwear with merely a saucy glance.
But as much as I enjoy anything that Steel Panther produce, I must pass a slightly reserved comment regarding the glaring inconsistency with this entire production and concept. There are truly beautiful ladies on stage sporting a range of stringed instruments for melodic accompaniment, yet they are somehow able to keep their composure. They play beautifully, calmly and consistently throughout as though there is some magical force field between them and the sex gods in their very presence. I have searched and can find no Perspex barrier keeping them contained, nor a whip wilding show master to keep their natural desires in constant check. The second perplexing and problematic step away from reality with this production is the crowd assembled managing to keep their animalistic desires contained long enough to enjoy the performance. Perhaps the inherent danger with such a public display is par for the course with these lads. Their management have accomplished a stage risk assessment, with the only control standard applicable, is for the capable lads from Steel Panther to give each and every lovely lady present with a tremendous and thunderous ‘seeing to’ prior to filming. Still, with this as a distinct possibility, I remain perplexed as to how so many can keep pants aloft in the presence of our pussy pounding protagonists. Yet somehow, all maintain some semblance of control, and perhaps this is why our all-powerful pussy pulverisers are seated through the performance. Of course, under normal circumstances, Steel Panther would only need a matter of seconds to be ready to deliver a subsequent serving of Steel Sausage. But with so many wonderful and quite beautiful people assembled requiring a preventative probing, the lads need just a few minutes to recover, allowing them a chance to perform sans saturnalia.
But before long Michael is off the stool and ready to provide for all, that which is quite naturally irresistible and nestled between his legs. Stixx has refueled on an interesting array of pizza toppings and ready to deliver his own consignment of spicy sausage, Satchel is visibly sporting an appendage one would normally see swinging between the hind quarters of a Kentucky Derby winner, and Lexxi seems happy with his hair. And scarcely any wonder that Lexxi would be on his best behaviour in playing live from his saucy minxy moms garage. Beautiful she is indeed, but bears the knowing grin of one who has enjoyed the pleasure of the remaining panthers. I think we can rest assured that all, bar Lexxy, have been through her like a dose of flu. Then again, who knows? Maybe… no. Let’s not go too far. Needless to say that, as always Steel Panther are perfectly capable of providing all assembled with all you can eat…and then some. I do take particular note of visible lack of available defibrillator. Perhaps the age and capability of the crowd has been taken into consideration. After all, there would be a plausible reason that this was not Live From the Old Folks Home. That show would be shorter than a list of ladies, that haven’t been fucked by Steel Panther.
Also lacking is the Starbucks sponsorship banners, which truly blows because hand grenades would go great with a fulsome frothing cup of Joe, and I firmly believe SP were onto something there. Oh well Starbucks loss.
Now, let’s be perfectly frank as regards the contents of this recording, because it’s a truly important representation of the Steel Panther catalogue is as present and forthright as a batch of baby gravy proudly exhibited, dripping from the dial of the nearest fat girl. And we all need that kind of love. Thanks to the expansive and tremendously educational works of social guidance produced by Steel Panther over the years, we can all enhance our existence through their teachings. Even though I have been asked by my municipal council to clean the street in front of my house. Thanks Satchel. Yes, its liberating but we mere mortals still have to clean up the shit ourselves. And when one considers the god like mastery of his acoustic guitar solos throughout this recording, one can scarcely deny him the right to drop drawers’ street side and defecate at will. And if that day should ever come, one can envisage Satchel being the sole recipient of St Peters words at the pearly gates, ‘Satchel, you shit just wherever you like.’ After all, whatever gods there may be must exist in awe of their truly triumphant creations in Steel Panther. Even in their sharing of their enormous sexual appetite with those ladies of more generous of girth, and providing the everlasting hope that they too can party like it’s the end of the world.
Their occasional glances toward the scantily clad string section, and more mysteriously toward each other (Stixx?) speak volumes as to their post gig expectations. Those looks toward all assembled, do indeed seem accompanied by the caveat, if you really, really love me. The perfectly natural presumption is that the walls of Lexxi’s mom’s garage come equipped with the Parisian peephole of pleasure, better known as the Gloryhole. Oh viva le France. But just as you acknowledge the intentions of Steel Panther toward their audience, a natural doubt creeps forth from the depths of you subconscious. Despite their ample libido and obviously well filled tights, do they possess sufficient reserves of the pearl jam to endow all in the audience with Bukkake tears of joy, and yet, simultaneous sorrow. Only Steel Panther can truly be expected to understand the burden of being wonderful. After all, their muff mounting benevolence knows no boundaries. To have the earthly duty bestowed upon but four to provide all and sundry, all earth dwelling females with a weenie ride, at least once each, must truly be a weighty task. Then, just at the point we devotees think we are beyond startle and surprise, you came in and blew me away. The denial from Satchel, the indifference from Lexxi and the fond look of pleasant reminiscence from Stixx back at Michael, gave Steel Panther yet a further dimension for us to contemplate. Oh Stixx, say it isn’t so. Brother in a band and all. Oh well. And Michael don’t know? Yeah, right. Like he cares who it was. At least it was memorable.
Now we start to experience that familiar anguish felt at a live Steel Panther show when we know that this dream cannot go on forever. Our communal property of love giving musicians draw toward a close, but with grindy and sexy love to us all, just as the vast horde of horny nubiles take up stage position with our conductors of vaginal celebration. Some with mammary magnificence displayed for all to appreciate and all gyrating to the glory of Steel Panther. As Lexxi’s robe clad temptress mom arranges his hair and pecks his cheek, all to the jealous wails of we mere males, the show draws to a finish. Yet, to our befuddled amazement, the lads have remained trouser clad. What true professional musicians to play on regardless, despite the temptation lurking beneath mere stiches of frail cloth. A look form Steel Panther and the material would be helpless to hold firm, shielding the beef curtains from revealing their true glory and becoming one with Steel Panther. What consummate professionals. An inspiration to us all who befoul ourselves in disconcerted awe of the prized, and often elusive cuniculus, particularly at such close quarters. But Steel Panthers’ gaze is scarcely readdressed from their musical duties. Their attention to performance focussed, despite the availability of a warm, welcome ride aloft the pink canoe. This is an inspirational exercise in self-discipline, that’s what this is. Could Steel Panther, in fact possess the powers self-control typical of Himalayan monks? Are they in fact demigods of dick discipline? Who shall ever know? We mere mortals can only bathe in the wonder of Steel Panther, yet again, and wish we were cut of the same cloth.
As a parting word, a wise man once imparted a long lost proverb to me, namely ‘you can’t sleep with every woman in the world, but you have to try’. Steel Panther remain my idols of proverbial contradiction.
LONG LIVE GUARDIANS OF THE PINK PALACE…LONG LIVE THE CONHO CONQUERORS…THE VULVA MARAUDERS…LONG LIVE STEEL PANTHER.